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by Dr. Lynn Weiss
(The following is an excerpt from Lynn Weiss’
latest book, View from the Cliff, reprinted with permission.)
DO YOU FIND YOURSELF "GETTING INTO TROUBLE"
BECAUSE YOU DON'T MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS?
You overhear two people talking. One asks the other
a question for which you have an answer. Unasked, you interrupt
them with the answer. As a result, you are told to "mind your
own business."
Why this happens:
Common reasons you do not exercise the boundaries
and limits others seem to see are because you focus more on the
content of what is happening than the details. You probably focus
more on the question than a detail like whom the question was
addressed to. A person with a more linear style of brain construction
is likely to see the situation in the opposite way.
• You may also have feelings of inadequacy and be trying
to prove to others and yourself that you are knowledgeable.
What not to do.
Don't interrupt and take responsibility for what hasn't been asked
of you.
What to do:
- Learn to recognize other people's business and ask yourself
if you want to cross into their turf.
- Heighten your awareness. Right now commit to paying attention
to how you act around other people.
- Ask yourself whether you cut people off or intrude in their
business.
- Be honest with yourself. It may take time, but you'll get the
knack of doing this.
- Focus on the people around you.
- Ask yourself, "Who asked the question? Did that person
address the question to me?"
- Wait. Count to ten, if you must, before you say anything.
- Observe whether the person asked is quiet because he or she
is thinking. Realize that people problem-solve at different rates.
You may be able to come up with answers at lightning speed. But
if another person can't, don't jump in prematurely.
- If the person doesn't know the answer, you may then, and only
then, ask if input from you would be welcomed. You need permission
to join the conversation if you are not already a part of it.
- Don' t push the situation if the people involved ignore you
or change the subject. Remember, this wasn't your situation in
the beginning and you can only join in if you are invited.
- If you have feelings of inadequacy, check to see if you are
trying to impress someone with what you know or are trying to
prove to yourself that you're smart.
- Sense whether you are feeling uneasy in your stomach or lighthearted.
Note how your emotions feel. Are you afraid that you'll never
amount to anything? Do you feel depressed because you feel you're
not as smart as other people?
- Realize that you learned these thoughts and feelings in error.
The thoughts are untrue. You are not inadequate.
- Visualize yourself when you were younger and talk to yourself
as a good parent would reassure a small child. Be a good self-parent
to yourself.
- Tell yourself that you are a winner, as valuable and smart as
anyone else.
- Say "thank you" to yourself for being good to yourself.
What makes this hard to do:
Habits are hard to break. But remember, this is your first day committed
to changing the habit of stepping into other people's territory.
You can do it. Just take one step at a time. It doesn't matter if
you don't do it overnight.
Lynn Weiss
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